To my daughter now you’re four

I wished this day would come from when you were only a few days old. Wishing you to be at an age when you were sleeping at night, feeding yourself and being a lot less screamy.

But now it’s here I want to take the wish back and do it all over again. This time better.

Mummy had a poorly head when she had you. I put it down to loving you so much that I was scared I wasn’t able to give you all that you needed. But none of us really understood my poorly head, which meant mummy just got sicker as you got older.

The only way I can explain my sickness to you is to compare it to your tummy bugs. When you feel so unwell all you want to do is sleep, cry and not wake until you feel better. Mummy felt a lot like that, but I had to battle through each day to look after you. That meant rather than enjoying our precious time together, mummy got frustrated, angry and distant. This didn’t mean mummy didn’t love you. Some nights I would lie awake sobbing because I was afraid you weren’t eating enough and I would loose you. Mummy just wasn’t well.

If I could turn back time I would, and that’s hard for me because the thought of feeling that poorly again scares me. But I know I would do it again just to make sure you had a better mummy at the start. A mummy who wasn’t so distant. I’d know I was poorly and I’d know that the “naughty doctor with the needles” (as you say) could make me better. And I’d know that even in my bad days you’d still loved me as much as you do in my good, like you have done so far.

If we could go back I wouldn’t shout as much when I got frustrated and scared that you never ate. I wouldn’t want to escape as much as I now know as soon as I did, I’d miss your cheeky smile and sweet oatmeal smell. I wouldn’t cry and whine when you wouldn’t go back to sleep on your own, knowing that cuddles wouldn’t spoil you like I’d been told. I wouldn’t let my poorly head take me away from you as much as it did.

I fight each day to be with you and even though I may moan when you won’t do as your told, or decide that I’m the new spitting target, I will never stop fighting. Because you are the light at the end of my darkness. On those days when I’m being pulled under you always bring me back up with a beautiful kiss to my hand or a sweet “I love you mummy, even when your angry” (you told me this tonight; I cried).

Yet even with our troubled start it amazes me how much of a amazing four year old you have become. You have confidence like your daddy, guiding me through social situations I’m not comfortable with like my little guiding light. You have empathy like your mummy, hugging and kissing your little brother when he needs your support. You are the best of us both and you magnify our most positive bits. I don’t know how I made you.

I need you to always remember something though. I don’t want you to feel I was wishing your life away to get rid of you; it was to get rid of my poorly head. Just like when you had a poorly tummy and wanted ‘to wake up when it was over’. I wanted to fast forward to a time when I wasn’t so down and anxious, and I only thought that would happen if you were older.

I know now that is not the case. The only way for me not to feel poorly was to seek help. And now mummy has it, I never want to whizz through another day with you again.

Happy birthday my princess

Mum xxx

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