No more babies. My body and mind have been through enough.
I expected the stretching of my vagina (maybe not so much that a family of borrowers could make a den up in there without me knowing it), the knockers which once could hold my head up after an intoxicated night out now bowing out ungraciously at my waist, and the Joey pouch of extra skin that my threenager can place her hand in (no actually I’m still trying to come to terms with that). But what I didn’t expect was the battering my mental health would take. I really didn’t expect postnatal depression (PND).
The thing with depression is that you don’t recognise you are suffering with it. I blamed my low moods and anxiety on my ‘lack of maternal instinct’ not realising that PND was affecting my ability to see straight.
So even after one child I never wanted another. (The pull out method is definitely not an effective form of contraception). Yet one just never seemed to be enough for anyone who would continuously ask me ‘When is baby number two on the way?’ I found this question as difficult to answer as when I would next need a shit. How could I tell anyone the truth when it would be embarrassing to say that I didn’t want a second when I felt I was doing such a horrible job on the first.
The ‘are you having anymore kids?’ question seems to have finally came to a stop now. Mainly that’s because no one thinks I would ‘after I had such a hard time with PND’ [Insert sympathy face]. One such comment I am having a hard time with as it makes me feel like I’m sucking at parenting.
But now 2nd child in and PND under control I don’t not want anymore children because I hate being a mum or I don’t enjoy it. I don’t want anymore kids because I’m finally enjoying it! I’m out of the tiny new born baby and PND torture and I don’t want anything to rattle that. I want to devote all my love and attention to my two little tortures now that I feel I can to the best of my abilities. I want to keep enjoying just them.
Yet even though I’m VERY happy with my decision I still feel a little loss.
My loss is not for another child that I might have, but that I will never feel that joyous new mum feeling.
PND stole that from me with both of my children.
I never felt love at first sight. I felt fear
I never enjoyed those special first cuddles, anxiety took them over.
I never experienced new mum pride, I was too full of self loathing.
And I’m never going to experience these things because frankly I can’t be assed to fight PND again.
That might sound defeatist but I have fought that bitch twice and I’ve had enough of her. Although I have missed out on all the new mum fondness, I have worked god awfully hard to enjoy what I have with my kids now. They have their mummy back and have found the greatest loves I could ever have. So looking at it PND hasn’t defeated me at all.
The biggest challenge I have now is getting daddy to agree to the snip snip! I’ve had enough sharp objects in my nether regions over the last few years during pregnancy it is definitely his turn!
Until then this mumma is well and truly closed for business!