I’ve been taking part in the parent popularity contest for three years yet dad has slowly taken over the title of the ‘favourite parent’.
I’m a sore arse loser so this just makes me angry and want to spike dads tea with some laxatives.
I’ll be honest though, if I was my three year old I’d probably pick her dad too, as unlike me he’s fun. I try to be fun, but unfortunately fun left my body when postnatal depression moved in. (Aul hag!)
But what I haven’t expected, at least not so soon, is not only have I become the least favourite parent, I have also been given the ‘I hate you!’
Dad could tell her off to her ears bled, isolate her in the naughty room, confiscate her favourite toys and reduce her to tears but still be Superman. Mum, however, could tell her that unfortunately she can’t get into the trolley overflowing with food shopping as it would be uncomfortable, and become the biggest di*k in the world.
I know everyone says ‘oh don’t listen, she’s only three, she doesn’t mean it’, but then I just think what a truthful little three year old she is, when she can tell you without a hint of embarrassment or empathy, that ‘mummy your sides are falling over your jeans’ or that your breath ‘smells like a fart’. All of which, I have to give to her, where very true at the time.
The little devils know that the only way to shut mumma up, is to hit her hard in her adverbial mum balls which is her heart.
But as a parent I’ve realised although children are direct with their revenge, we have to be more cunning in order to teach them a lesson. We’re in a war, and if you go in all guns blazing without a proper strategy those little twerps will nuke your ass. Therefore I’ve mastered a cunning plan to seek ultimate revenge on my children for their mean comments which I call the #mummyguilttrip . Here’s how its done:
- Don’t say it back
No matter how much you want to rip into the little fart bag, don’t tell them you ‘hate them too’. I know its hard to hold the tongue and not blast some serious lyrical skills that P Diddy Diddy would be proud of, but if you say it, I can bet you as soon as the words leave your lips the guilt trip is on you!
- Be empathetic
I know it’s hard. You’ve just been struck in the heart with a knife, but truth is they have said it because they are upset. Rightfully upset? Probably not when it comes down to you not cutting the square sandwiches in the right squares they asked for, but all the same, they are sad. So tell them you understand their feelings and give them a hug. (Stop squeezing when you begin to hear their breath cut off)
- Tell them it’s okay
Not that it’s okay they said ‘I hate you’, no that would go against the guilt trip we are trying to achieve here. Instead tell them it’s okay that they feel sad, but they shouldn’t say mean things. Let them know that you will talk about it more when they calm down. That should hopefully shut up the ear piercing screaming that follows an ‘I hate you’ meltdown.
- Now their calm, lets talk about it
Okay here we go this is the crucial crescendo. The part where you need to summon your inner Leonardo DiCaprio and with teary eyes and emotion that would break steal, you begin to describe how devastating it was to hear that the love of your life, the one you breathed life into, has broken your heart with the lowest of blows. And slowly see that little seed of guilt form until you hear the sweet song of ‘I’m sorry mummy’.
Now sit back, arms in air, head back, and you bask in that ‘mummies got this sh*t’ glow. Because you my friend have not just taught your child a valuable lesson, you also did it without loosing your cr*p. And now your child is on their best behaviour doing all they can to make mummy know they love her!
Amen Sista, A-bloody-men!