The 3 step guide to valentines (post kids edition)

Valentines day.

The most ridiculous day of the year where you judge how much someone loves you in how many red roses, or how big the teddy bear is they got you.

I’ve never been the biggest fan. Maybe because as a kid I was the ugly duckling who all boys avoided. Even my dad didn’t pretend to be my fake valentine.

However as I have had kids it has been a nice reminder to let my other half know how much I appreciate him, as if all us parents are honest, when kids come along it gets pretty hard to do that on a daily bases.

But what exactly is valentines day after kids?

Well let me tell you, its not like it used to be in the single days.

The Gift

Is it just me or is buying a valentines gift for a man the hardest task in the world?

If I bought my husband a cuddly toy, a heart balloon or a box of chocs I reckon he would appreciate it them just as much as year ban on blow jobs. (not that I hand out many of those anyway)

But seriously, what are you supposed to get them?!

I came to the conclusion the gift of life I have created is more than enough of a present for my husband. I loved him and trusted him enough to have him be the father of my children. I wrecked my body, stretched it to its extremes, enough that I’m sure any other man would now run screaming from it. If that doesn’t say I love you, I don’t know what does.

In return, I’d be happy with with not having to deal with the kids night wakes. And if that’s out of the question just buying me a Chinese to fall into a food coma would do.

The Date

After children, this can go one of two ways…

A ‘romantic meal in’. Otherwise known as an M&S meal for two and a slouch on the couch before one of the kids wake for a dummy or bottle.

Or…

If your extremely lucky you might just get a night on the town!!

This rare night out never happens on valentines day. No, it can be anywhere from the week before to the week after the big day, because those kid free skinny well rested people who you need to mind your offspring, are too busy getting their own freak on the actual day to help you.

There are two ways how this night can run:

  1. After you have ran out of conversation about your kids, how tired you are, and a half hour of silent people watching, you inhale enough food to make even Gemma Colins proud. Only to then not be able to move and have to get a taxi home at 9:00 and bed for 9:30 to recover.
  2. A few drinks in with dinner, you develop liquid courage, believing you have the energy within you to relive your party days and cope with kids the next day. Shots will be ordered and immediately regretted as you puke down the only clothes that fit you on your way home in a taxi.

Either way none of these give the best lead into the third and final phase of valentines day…

The… A’hem…  ‘down and dirty’

There is nothing more off putting than valentines for getting your freak on. Its the most expected action of the day and who loves anything that is expected off you?

Lets be honest, as a parent, having sex is the least expected part of your life. If anything I expect to be celibate for the rest of my life.

If it does happen its very unexpected, so much so I’m never fully prepared. I don’t have time in my day to sort out my eyebrows never mind doing a bit of ladyscaping, so my acts of passion can only be compared to David Attenborough tracking through the depths of the amazon jungle.

This just proves my point further of why having kids is the perfect present to show my husband that I love him. No other man is going to go through the effort to troop through that bush. That love rug is not just laziness, its a true dedication to my marriage.

So in conclusion the main things I have learnt to live by on valentines day:

  • If you want to get frisky… starve yourself.
  • If you haven’t got a sprog as a pressie, grow a love rug.

 

#Dickyattenborough
#loverug

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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