Ah remember the days before children?
When your knees didn’t wobble when you wore high heels and a few cocktails where not just an annual treat.
Doesn’t it make you loose consciousness in nostalgia.
Now wake up your sleeve needs to be used as a tissue again!
I look back at photos of those days gone by and feel utter jealousy at the pretty skinny bitch looking back at me and think what the fuck happened to me?
Kid’s, that’s what!
And not just kid’s. The nasty cow that is my mum funk likes to add her two cents to the state of my appearance these days too.
Before my children, when I was feeling on a high, I used to look pretty ok! I took care of myself, I washed daily, I could put an outfit together, my hair was bouncy and my face gleamed with the help of M.A.C foundation. I even used to exercise for fun! These days however I look as good as the druggies and alcoholics found outside the YMCA. Actually that’s quite unfair to them I look even worse.
But when you become a mother your child’s needs tend to become far more important than your own.
It just hit me recently how bad I have let myself go when my three year old daughter told me, ‘Mummy your not the most gorgeousnest mummy, but you make a good sausage and mash.’. Bless her she knew to throw a positive in to soften the blow.
Mum funk or not I think every mum can relate to the new mum fugliness. As soon as those babies pop out, in roll the eye wrinkles, you can make an old woman’s face by wrinkling up the extra skin on your belly, and daily make up turns into a monthly application. However with my mum funk adds an added pressure:
- Guilt of concentrating on myself and not my children.
- The overbearing fear that if I do something for myself something horrendous will happen.
I can’t really explain that fear and why it happens, but its very real and debilitating. If I concentrate on myself for more than one minute I get a tight knot in my chest and throat and begin to panic. PND is a bitch.
My health visitor and Therapist tell me I have to spend at least 5 minutes a day doing something for myself. This week I’ve been tasked to at least shower every day (Yes it has gotten that bad). However I’m lucky I get 5 minutes alone to shit by myself never mind to paint my nails or shower.
So in my toughest mum funk days I have a trusty beauty bag, not to make me beautiful, but to at least make me feel clean:
I’m lucky I get to wash my armpits each morning let alone wash my hair so dry shampoo is my savior. Plus it now comes in some amazing fragrances so it can help mask the B.O. coming from your baby wiped pits.
When there is just no time for a wet wipe, body spray the shit out of yourself. One down the trousers for luck couldn’t hurt either.
Stripey T Shirt / Cardigan Combo
Embrace it stripes are the badge of a mum (Plus they are supposed to flatter). And if you get a big enough cardigan no one can see that your tits (back and front) and stomach have been rolled up into your bra to stop them hitting your knees (or arse).
When your hands are full, they slip on easily, and are great for sprinting to catch the toddler when they decide to play chicken on the road. Plus the kids on the street are wearing them so your in style. Score!
They want you to brush after every meal, however they would be lucky I get to brush once per day. Chewing gum can change the ‘skunk shit in my mouth’ breath to ‘skunk farted menthol in my mouth’ breath. It’s an improvement trust me!
Hide’s eyes bags and if they are big enough will hide most of your make up free blotchy face. Also if you accidentally catch a glimpse of yourself in the car mirror you’ll no longer scare the shut out of yourself as the tinted lenses are as good as an instagram filter (I cant promise anything for the rest of the general public that come across you however.)
And that’s it! The new mums wash/beauty kit.
Just enough to make you feel clean to get you out the door.
And as an alternative to showering it’s one less stress to take out of your day.